From the time I was a little girl I have loved and trusted Jesus; belief in Him was easy for me.  I watched my own mother’s faith grow, and because my Mom was the most important person in my life, I wanted a faith like hers.  I accepted Jesus as my Savior at 7 years old, but to be honest, I don’t know if I really understood what that meant.  As a child I also recognized my failures and my sins; I realized that no matter how hard I worked at it, I just couldn’t muster up enough goodness to cover over my badness.  I’d try over and over again to “shape up” and behave better because I’m a born people pleaser; being a “good girl” was important to who I was and what defined me.  I tried to be perfect, but over and over again I’d fail.  I relied on my own “goodness” and my own strengths to try and overcome anything bad in me; but each time I would face deep discouragement because it was never enough.  I just couldn’t figure out how to be good enough on my own. 

By the time I was in college I was weary and tormented by the many mistakes in my life that I was continually trying to fix and make right.  I felt like a huge disappointment to everyone who loved me…my parents, my brothers, my friends, and especially to God.  At one point I decided that, since I obviously wasn’t good enough, I would just settle with being bad enough and I rebelled…big time I rebelled.  But that was just as exhausting as trying to be good enough.  It was an empty and shallow way to live & I grew more depressed and discouraged by the lack of self-control that I had. 

I soon realized that I needed to figure out what I wanted my life to reflect and what direction I wanted to see it head in.  I needed to make a decision about what it was that I truly believed.

I knew that I believed in God.  Growing up the daughter of a rancher in Wyoming, it was impossible for me to not recognize that there was a God & that He was a marvelous Creator.  Everywhere that I looked I could see what He had formed, and it called to, delighted and  intrigued me.  I knew that what I saw was designed by an amazing, powerful and loving God.

I believed that God must love us because what He created was so purposeful, so unique and beautiful.  If He didn’t love us with a deep and intimate kind of love, then He could have just made our world to have no color or creativity, no diversity to delight our souls and our senses.  If He was a God that wanted no relationship with us then He would have just made the earth to sustain human life and no more.  But I could see how much He loved me by what I saw in the ebb and flow of life on the ranch, by the changing seasons, especially the miracle of new life every spring, by the beauty of the sky as the sun began to set, and then again the burst of color as it rose early in the morning.  The endless array of plants and animals, the way that the stars and the moon light up the night sky, the mountains and deserts and oceans.  Not to mention the way that our bodies work with such precision and purpose; the fact that we are uniquely and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) by a Creator Who took time and intention to create each of us, a God who obviously loves us and knows every hair on our head (Luke 12:7)

Knowing that the Creator of the entire Universe also created me with love and intention changed the way that I saw Him. 

I didn’t view Him as a distant “Higher Power”;  the same God that carefully placed each star in the sky also personally cared for me.  I began to take note of all the ways that He cared for me on a daily basis.  The little, seemingly insignificant ways that He worked in my life, as well as the really amazing answers to prayer.  The way that He brought peace to my heart.  It was during the loneliest time of my life when I sought to have a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus.  I had flunked out of my first year of college, felt like a complete failure and disappointment to my parents, moved in with my grandmother on the ranch and missed all of my friends horribly.  I felt such a hopeless emptiness that went deep down to my soul.

One day I walked out to a large rock that sat in the middle of one of our pastures.  I would go there often & spend hours crying to the Lord, pouring my heart out to Him in anger, frustration and disappointment….all self-directed.  It was in that moment that I felt His presence cover me and remembered the words from Psalm 40:2 “He also brought me out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my steps.” 

He was no longer just a distant, uncaring God, He was a personal Savior, Jesus, who hurt when I hurt, held all of my tears, knew my loneliness and longed for me to draw near to Him.  He wanted to bring me out of the miry pit of misery and set my feet on His foundation; He wanted to be the one establishing my path.

I realized as I sat there in the middle of that boulder, that I would never be good enough, that my sins were many and great and they were sins against a Holy and Righteous Judge.  I deserved whatever punishment He had for those who lived according to their own selfish desires and lusts.  That punishment is death.  I knew that Jesus had died on the cross for “our sins”, but suddenly I was hit with the truth that He died on the cross for MY sins…those sins that I kept trying to make right on my own, that I continually tried to redeem in my own strength and will-power, those sins that continued to hold me in bondage.  God loved me enough that He was willing to sacrifice His own son on the cross in order that I might live, He did not want me to perish, but to be assured of everlasting life (John 3:16).  

I recognized that, just as I could never be good enough to save myself from perishing in my sins, neither could I be so bad that I was beyond saving.  No matter what I had done or how far I had rebelled against Him, God desperately wanted me to see my worth in Him.  I was not a hopeless cause.  He loved me enough to save me, despite my sin, in the midst of my sin, not once I was good enough to deserve saving.  “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8.  

I began to study His word.  At first I was completely overwhelmed and didn’t have any idea where to start; but I had witnessed my mother delving into God’s Word since I was a little girl, and I knew that I wanted to grow in my understanding.  I found a good study Bible with a reading plan and just started there.  Before long the words of Psalm 119:103 became my very own experience, “How sweet are Your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!”  The more that I read His Word, the more that I hungered for it.  The more that I studied it the more truth He revealed to my heart.   Here I found myself at another crossroads in my faith, whether or not I believed that the Bible was God’s actual words given to us and if I was going to believe the whole scope of the Bible…even the parts of it that made me uncomfortable and were hard to swallow, the parts that would put me at odds with a world that spoke in contradiction to what His Word said. I chose to believe the Bible in its entirety, as the actual God breathed Word given to man. This was when I began to know the God of the Bible, who He has created me to be, the gift of the gospel and the importance of knowing Biblical Truth versus just picking and choosing the parts of it that were comfortable and easy. I began to grow and mature in my faith as He revealed Himself to me through His Word.  I love His Word, it is precious, life affirming and absolute; it gives me the guidance and direction that I need daily in this journey of life.

And yet, I still struggled with letting Him be Lord of my life. 

I said that I trusted Him, I wanted to trust Him, I knew that He wanted me to trust Him….but I struggled really trusting Him. 

I was willing to give Him all but a few areas of my life, those areas that I still wanted to retain control of.  But the thing I soon discovered is that God is a God of all or nothing.  I couldn’t give Him just bits and pieces of my life and expect that He was going to be ok with my pitiful offering.

I have wrestled back and forth with God for control at various times in my life: Throughout 25 years of marriage to my wonderful husband, during every stage of motherhood, in the middle of my time as caregiver for my ailing mother-in-law, in the pain of infertility, pregnancy loss and near loss of our son, faced with dire financial strain, in the grief of the sudden death of my mother and then our daughter leaving for college, amid struggles in several close relationships over the years.  Over and over again He has asked  me, “Jana, are you going to be lord of your life, or are you going to let Me be Lord?  Can you hand over control and trust me to know ultimately best for you?”  Some days I still find myself wrestling with Him for control; but I am learning that He does a much better job than I do, and the more that I hand over the reins to Him the easier it becomes.

The Lord has shown Himself to be faithful, and that what He has for me is so much better than the counterfeit substitute that the world offers. 

I believe that the life of a Christian is one of continual growth and sanctification; that although SALVATION happened immediately upon recognizing that I was lost in my sins and that I needed a Savior; SANCTIFICATION takes a lifetime.  He is forever shaping and changing me to reflect more of His image, dealing with my sinfulness and leading me on paths of righteousness and into abundant life.  I am forever grateful that He saw to draw that people-pleasing little girl, the rebellious young lady and the control freak of a woman into a  right relationship with Him through His Son. 

Choosing Christ as my Lord and my Savior has been the greatest decision that I could have ever made.

Everything else in my life has flowed from that decision, and my simple, rustic life has become abundant because I am redeemed by a holy and loving God.  And now I get the privilege to tell my story to all who would hear it.  Thank you for letting me share my story with you!

“Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy.”  Psalm 107:2