I’ve been thinking a lot about foxes and marriage lately. . . . 

My husband and I celebrated our 26th-anniversary last month, my parents would have celebrated their 51st-anniversary last week if my mom were still alive, and we’ve had a handful of beautiful weddings that we’ve been blessed to be a part of the past few months. 

One favorite part of many rural weddings I’ve attended is the “Married Couples Dance” where the DJ plays a slow song and invites all married couples to the dance floor, after a few minutes he asks anyone who has been married for less than 24 hours to leave the dance floor (obviously the new bride and groom are the first to leave). He goes on to ask anyone who has been married less than a year, less than 5 years, 10 years, etc, to leave the dance floor; he keeps going until there are only one or two couples left standing. Sometimes he will then ask them how many years they’ve been married and what advice they have for the newly married couple. At one wedding the bride’s grandparents were the last couple on the dance floor, having been married for 65 years. 65 years! I think that is incredible and beautiful!

These anniversaries and weddings have had me really pondering what it is that makes a marriage last. What have those couples who’ve made the long haul learned about the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of two imperfect human beings making a life together? What would those of us who have been married 26, 51, or 65 years tell those who have just begun their journey together?

26 years means that Mike and I have now been married for the majority of our lives, and we’ve sure faced a lot in those years – both hard circumstances and beautiful experiences. What I’ve discovered through all of it is that those hard circumstances actually have the potential of becoming beautiful experiences when placed in the hand of God. 

One lesson Mike and I have learned in the marital trenches is something I read early in our marriage but didn’t completely understand back then. It’s a little bible verse in the middle of chapter 2 in the book “Song of Solomon”. Randomly stuck between verses that are full of sappy, sentimental, and sometimes borderline risque terms of endearment, these words spoken between King Solomon and his Shulamite fiance seemed strange and out of place in context with the rest of the chapter: “O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes.” (Song of Solomon 2:14-15 NKJV.)

It’s as if the one speaking has suddenly become distracted amid all the talk of romance and suddenly remembered that they had a pest problem in their vineyard that needed taking care of. I think Mike and I have been there before – having an intimate conversation when suddenly one of us interrupts to say “We really need to set some traps in the barn to keep the raccoons out of the grain!” Nothing like totally ruining a romantic moment with the distraction of pest control on the homestead!

However, after digging a little deeper, I discovered the wealth of marital wisdom within these words. There is some disagreement between biblical scholars about whether Solomon is speaking to his friends, if it’s his Beloved speaking to him, or possibly her brothers to the young couple. Regardless of who is actually speaking, the message is clear: Foxes and sin have a lot in common. If precautions aren’t taken early to protect and preserve vineyards and marriages, the result is the same – destruction and devastation.

Foxes wreak havoc on gardens and vineyards. They quietly come in, seemingly harmless, yet given time and neglect the intrusion of these troublesome animals will soon destroy what once was blooming and beautiful. These little foxes are cute but destructive, gnawing and breaking vines, digging holes, and spoiling roots, ruining the fruit growing on them.

Ruined vines. Ruined fruit. Ruined marriages. Ruined families. Ruined lives.

The first line of defense is to keep an eye out for any sin that innocuously creeps into our marriages. It’s so much easier to manage if we recognize those “little foxes” that invade, and take care of them at the first sign instead of allowing them to make a home in the vineyards of our marriages.

They seem little and therefore harmless at first; but just like a little fox is still a fox, a little sin is still a sin. The smallness of it doesn’t change the nature of sin or the harm that it causes, because little sins prepare the way for bigger ones. Over time, small sins that invade marriages become habitual sins that become harder to manage.

If not taken care of at the first realization that sin has invaded, we will eventually find ourselves stuck in a cycle of sinful behavior and attitudes that destroy the relationships that once beautifully bloomed. Sins such as pride, selfishness, anger, resentment, jealousy, deceit, laziness, impatience, unforgiveness, discontent, and neglect seem insignificant compared to the bigger sins of infidelity or abuse. But those “small” sins are just as deadly and destructive to a marriage if not taken care of.

“The enemies may be small, but the mischief done great. . . And how numerous the little foxes are! Little compromises with the world; disobedience to the still small voice in little things; little indulgences of the flesh to the neglect of duty; little strokes of policy; doing evil in the little things that good may come; and the beauty, and the fruitfulness of the vine are sacrificed!”

Hudson Taylor

Once we recognize those “little foxes” that have intruded in on our marriage, the next key is teamwork. The phrase “Catch us the foxes” alludes to a couple working together to take care of the invasion. One person can’t carry the entire load or responsibility for protecting against the sinfulness that corrupts a marriage.

The vines of marriage have tender grapes; the relationship with our spouse is precious and vulnerable and we must work together to guard and protect it at all costs. Our love for one another, our attitude toward each other, the care and protection, along with the devotion, grace, forgiveness, and patience we extend to our mate are how we protect our marriages from the enemy who wants to destroy them. Loving our spouses well shows them the love of Jesus, and serves as an example to a watching world what God’s idea of a covenant marriage is. 

Ways we can work as a couple to take care of those “little foxes”:

• Growing in godliness together
  • Consistently attend church and worship together
  • Become part of a life group or couple’s bible study
  • Read the bible and a devotion together
  • Pray together
  • Keep one another accountable and aware of the little foxes that might be creeping into the marriage.
• Growing in intimacy with one another
  • Spend quality time together 
  • Have fun together! Try something new, plan date nights, have adventures as a family, find new hobbies to do together.
  • Make intimacy with one another a priority
• Growing in the care and love of each other
  • Work on having calm conversations instead of heated arguments
  • Support and encourage each other in our work and passions
  • Look for ways to bless one another with small gifts or words of affection
  • Put the needs of our spouse over our own

Over 26 years, these are the ways that I’ve found to beneficially work at protecting and preserving marriage from the infestation of sinfulness that the enemy would love to use to destroy us. And let’s face it, Satan isn’t going to be happy with just creating conflict in marriage; he wants to destroy marriages and families because that’s where Jesus is best reflected. Unfortunately, the harsh reality is that the devil and his little foxes are relentless in attacking what the Lord sees as precious, so we must be vigilant at taking care of those little foxes that spoil the vines.